HELP - I NEED MORE TELEVISION!

Some Information About Wilma Proops - Agony Aunt to the Stars. Major and Minor Celebrities and people like YOU

Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a nincompoop, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this blog . . .

A Reader Writes:


Dear Wilma,


I can't afford satelite TV so can't watch the programmes that everybody in my office is talking about. I can only debate the idiots on Big Brother UK but my collegues can compare and contrast Big Brothers in other countries. You may think this is a trivial problem but it's ruining my life, please help me I beseech you!


Tania, Sutton Coldfield nr Birmingham


Dear Tania,


I see the enormity of your problem and wish I could offer you free satelite TV. I cannot do this but the following is a very cheap alternative. For about £40 this system offers you unlimited access to the whole planets's TV stations from your computer. That's a one off charge. I bet your friends pay more! 


Let me know how you get on
Best wishes
Wilma Proops




Another Reader Writes


Dear Wilma,


I've got nothing to talk about apart from television. I've only got a freeview box so this limits my topics of conversation. What shall I do?


From
Stanley, Kettering


Dear Stanley,


I refer you to the answer I gave above. I'm sure if you had thousands of TV stations to discuss you'd be much better prepared for social interaction.


Good viewing!
Best wishes
Wilma Proops

STUPID, RUDE, INADEQUATE BOSSES - HOW TO COPE WITH THEM!

About the Infamous Wilma Proops 

Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a nincompoop, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this blog . . .

Wilma Writes:


Dear Readers,


This week I have had several letters from people working for “stupid” or “rude” or “inadequate” bosses. They want to know how to deal with them. As you know, dear readers, I am from Liverpool and we don’t pussy-foot around issues to do with bad bosses in Liverpool – we get ‘em! We know our rights. In addition, me and the girls have worked for all manner of stupid, rude and inadequate bosses and there isn’t a boss we’ve met yet that we haven’t taught a good lesson in acceptable people management or in minimum Health and Safety requirements. This is the first letter of this batch I will answer here because I think its writer needs help quick!





A Reader Writes:


Dear Wilma,


I work for a magazine selling advertising and I’ve been in the job for nearly six months. Following a most disagreeable incident(caused by being in need of the toilet facilities for 20 minutes because they were engaged by a person with disgusting habits)I complained to my boss about the inadequate toilet conditions (1 toilet for 11 + miscellaneous builders). Following my complaint, my boss invited me to a disciplinary meeting. I'm afraid I lost my temper in the meeting and when he shouted at me I shouted back at him. Also, although the company depends on telephones to make sales he forgot to pay the telephone bill. When the phone is working I often take calls from the printers, who have not been paid. Also, he recently promoted a talentless creep above me. What should I do?


Sandra
Birmingham, England


Wilma Replies:


Firstly be in no doubt that you are working for an idiot! Assurance of this often helps people in your situation. Don’t worry about the disciplinary, although he is an idiot he’s bound to know or discover that the current toilet situation in your place of work is below the legal minimum and he could be closed down for employing staff in those conditions. If he does discipline you, you’ll be able to take him to the cleaners – I hope you have witnesses to the distress he caused you.


Now the fun part – revenge! He needs to know why toilet conditions are important in a place of work. Would you be able to dose him unknowingly with strong laxatives? After you (or a helpful colleague) have done so, wait ten minutes and then occupy the only toilet. With any luck he’ll shit himself in the office and learn a valuable lesson.


Lastly, I would be ready for your boss to dispense with your services – he sounds like a real sneak so he’ll probably do it on the last day of your six months probation. Be ready for it. I see you sell advertising – remember to take copies of the contact details of all advertisers as you never know they may come in useful. Learn something from your experience – if he can run a company I’m in no doubt you could too. The best way to deal with stupid bosses is to leave them – remember, as one door closes another opens – why don’t you just tell your boss to f*ck off? He sounds like a right prat!


Let me know what happens,
Fondest wishes
Wilma Proops


* I'll be answering more letters about how to cope with stupid, rude and inadequate bosses soon - please check back. To contact me with your problems please do so via my page on www.ComedyMoment.co.uk

PROBLEMS WITH LITTLE BROTHERS - SORTED!

WILMA PROOPS' BACKGROUND

Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a nincompoop, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this blog . . .

"I'll tell you what to do with naughty little brothers and this works . . ." 
 quoting Wilma Proops


This problem needs solving for a number of my avid readers. I have chosen this letter from Disgruntled of Aberdeen as it typifies the problems many of my readers are coping with, caused by the presence of "little brothers".


A Reader Writes:


Dear Wilma,


My brother, who is 15, won't get out of bed. I wouldn't mind but he's got the computer in his room and I need to use it. When he finally get's up the room will be in a mess and have that horrible smell of teenage boys. Could you suggest how I can rememdy this situation? I've tried bribes, threats of violence and being nice to him but none of them have worked. Please help, he's driving me crazy.


Yours truly,
Disgruntled
Aberdeen


WILMA REPLIES:




Dear Disgruntled of Aderdeen


There is one avenue you could explore. Do you know what embarrasses your brother most? Who does he need to look good in front of? You'll need to know this and more if my plan is to work.


I too had a similar problem with my daughter. I waited until parents evening and arranged to meet her at the school. She was sitting in reception when I arrived. I wore my slippers, pyjamas and dressing gown. My hair was a mess, as was my makeup - which had been on since the previous day and gave that Panda eye look. The perfume I wore was Eau de Butt End Number Six. I teamed it with a comedy bag and a bottle of cheap whisky. To make matters worse I kept answering my mobile and carrying on a row, pleading with a man to come back to me - every time a teacher engaged me in conversation about my daughter's progress at school.


Needless to say, she never stayed in bed again! I'm sure you could adapt this to your own specific needs.


About the smell. There is nothing you can do about this one. Personally, if I had given birth to a boy - I would have had him adopted. Best thing you can do is buy industrial masks. Another option is to become aclimatised to the smell. I find air freshenners sometimes make that particular odour worse.


Do let me know how you decide to proceed with this.


Best wishes


Wilma Proops

HER HUSBAND IS A SLOB!

WILMA PROOPS' BACKGROUND

Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a nincompoop, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this blog . . .

Today readers, I tackle an old problem. Please let me know via www.Comedymoment.co.uk if you would offer any different advice.


Dear Wilma Proops,

My husband does nothing in the house, he hasn't a job either. He spends all day in the same smelly dressing gown. I have two jobs, care for our four children and run the house. I ask him to lend a hand and he says he will tomorrow but then he says "never do today what you can do tomorrow" to the children. The children are quadruplets, all boys and they look just like my husband. He never laughs at me but my sons seem to do it for him. What should I do?


Taken for Granted
(name and address withheld)
Surrey




Wilma Replies:


Dear Taken for Granted, Surrey


You will have to divorce him. Don't blame yourself though, many men turn out like this. I cannot advise on your quads other than nobody would think badly of you if you were to leave them in the hands of your smelly husband. However, I think there is money to be made out of them. Have you thought of making them into a boy band? It does strike me as the sort of gimmick that would get them noticed. You could call the band Dopplegangers - or even The Clones - but please check the spelling of dopplegangers before you have the drumkit painted or have any promotional literature produced. Cheer up, it could be worse, you should have my problems! Imagine if you were married to Bernard Matthews and had to hear him say "bootiful" every time you took your clothes off. Things could be much, much worse, I assure you


Let me know how it goes


Best wishes


Wilma Proops

CONFESS TO WILMA!

WILMA PROOPS' BACKGROUND

Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a nincompoop, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this blog . . .

WILMA WRITES:
Dear Avid Readers,


I have decided that you can confess bad things you've done in the past of a comedy nature. We all go though phases of "flashing and trashing" and although they seem right at the time, later in life you may come to regret them. Write to me with details of where, when and how you flashed or of when and what you trashed and I'll tell you what to do to absolve yourself of the guilt. This service is especially of interest to lapsed Catholics who no longer do confession - please point them in your Auntie Wilma's direction.


Just leave an anonymous comment (including your confession) in the comments section below.  Please Note: Obscene comments will not be published so don't bother You Know Who of You Know Where


A READER THOUGHT HE HAD NO PROBLEMS!


Dear Auntie Wilma,

My problem is I don't have any problems. Everything I wanted in the past I now have and more. People with problems are totally stupid. If you've got a problem - sort it! Don't moan, nag and go on about it. Don't write to the likes of you - shut your gobs.
Neal, Birmingham


WILMA REPLIES:


Dear Neal,


I hate to be the one to tell you but you have got problems, big problems. Where can I begin?


You're boring, arrogant, nasty and selfish. You're given to boasting, bragging and putting others down. Also, I know where you live.


So you see Dear, you might not have had any problems yesterday but you have now, you lowly gobshite.


I hope this has brought you down a peg or two - someone had to tell you,


Yours truly
Auntie Wilma
Aunt Agony Advises Problem Pages Throughout The Ages

HOW MUCH PERFUME SHOULD I WEAR?

WILMA PROOPS' BACKGROUND

Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a ridiculous prat, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this blog . . .

Birmingham, England
Date as Postmark

Dear Wilma,

I like my perfume and it aint cheap. It aint eau de toilet but eau de parfum, and like I say it aint cheap. Despite the expense I like to splash it all over - as Henry Cooper suggested in his old advert for BRUT. Anyroad yesterday, while I was shopping some woman came up to me and said "excuse me, do you have to wear that much perfume?" Although I told her to f*ck off I was upset by her comment. What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Upset of Birmingham

WILMA REPLIES:

Dear Upset of Birmingham

You were right to tell the woman to f*ck off, shame on her for being so rude, that'll teach her.

You've perhaps been told that perfume should be worn on the pulse points only but I like you think this is a load of bollocks. Why go to the expense of buying the stuff and not be able to smell it yourself? You do right to splash it on.

Saying that, perfume is no substitute for a good wash, shower or bath and should not be used to mask smells emanating from your crotch, feet or underarm regions. Even if this describes you, that woman deserved to be told where to go. I myself (and this is a tip to all readers) carry a handy face mask (the sort used in operating rooms) and don it, if I find a place or person too smelly, without making any fuss.

I hope this letter brings with it reassurance

Best wishes
Wilma Proops