HOW MUCH PERFUME SHOULD I WEAR?

WILMA PROOPS' BACKGROUND

Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a ridiculous prat, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this blog . . .

Birmingham, England
Date as Postmark

Dear Wilma,

I like my perfume and it aint cheap. It aint eau de toilet but eau de parfum, and like I say it aint cheap. Despite the expense I like to splash it all over - as Henry Cooper suggested in his old advert for BRUT. Anyroad yesterday, while I was shopping some woman came up to me and said "excuse me, do you have to wear that much perfume?" Although I told her to f*ck off I was upset by her comment. What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Upset of Birmingham

WILMA REPLIES:

Dear Upset of Birmingham

You were right to tell the woman to f*ck off, shame on her for being so rude, that'll teach her.

You've perhaps been told that perfume should be worn on the pulse points only but I like you think this is a load of bollocks. Why go to the expense of buying the stuff and not be able to smell it yourself? You do right to splash it on.

Saying that, perfume is no substitute for a good wash, shower or bath and should not be used to mask smells emanating from your crotch, feet or underarm regions. Even if this describes you, that woman deserved to be told where to go. I myself (and this is a tip to all readers) carry a handy face mask (the sort used in operating rooms) and don it, if I find a place or person too smelly, without making any fuss.

I hope this letter brings with it reassurance

Best wishes
Wilma Proops