I made a drunken fool of myself - please help!

This week I’ve received a few letters from readers who have made drunken fools of themselves. I’ve picked my favourites but this advice is also for Bernard M of Turkeyhell, Norfolk and various former housemates of Big Brothers 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 – you know who you are.

Dear Wilma,

I like a drink and usually I have a great night out “on the pop”. Unfortunately, last week things got out of hand and I ended up making a fool of myself, insulting the hostess and her mother and dancing what I can only describe as a fandango. Unfortunately again, my fandango involved exposing my buttocks to all and sundry.

I think I have lost a good friend and I’m very embarrassed, what should I do?

PS I don’t want to give up drinking

Yours Mavis, Kettering

Dear Mrs Proops,

I can’t believe what I did last night – all because I had a drink. Why, oh why, did I think it would be funny to shave my private parts and, using my girlfriends makeup, create a “cock-character” who liked to talk to “the ladies”? I’m usually shy and retiring but someone introduced me to Baileys with an added shot of whisky and I think I had an adverse reaction. How do I say I’m sorry?

Herbert Winkleman, Ontario

WILMA ANSWERS:

Dear Mavis, Herbert, et al

To start with, please be assured, you are not alone with this problem. I too have exposed my arse but I did so in a far more public arena than you did – I did mine on top of David Blane’s Perspex box above the River Thames in London. Subsequently, images of my bare arse were plastered, front page, over the world’s press. I got over it and so will you.

Making a drunken fool of yourself is not a new problem. Indeed, I happen to know of a standard letter produced in China in the 5th century BC for such eventualities. Everyday, someone somewhere makes a drunken fool of themselves. Look on it as a right of passage.

As to offending your friends. True friends will understand that this episode was most unusual and will forgive you. You should however apologise profusely and promise not to ever do it again. This is the risk we take when we invite people over to get pissed at our gaffs, also known as having a party or a dinner party. If your friend is still hostile perhaps they weren’t good friends to start with – replace them. I myself would have enjoyed your fandango and the “cock-character” sounded quite fun too.

I'll be publishing a letter I use after just such drunken bouts of bad behaviour here soon - check back to get your copy

Until then - don't forget to drink plenty of water if you overdo it

Best wishes

Wilma Proops

• PS Unless this type of thing is happening frequently, don’t stop drinking. People have always got off their faces since time began – it’s a natural thing. Perhaps you should learn to curb your quantity or change your tipple rather than give up altogether 
• PPS If I were you Herbert, I’d not drink Baileys or any other whisky or whiskey drink again. Saying that, if you were reserved before, at least you know how to let yourself go now. Try to learn something positive from your experience . . . go Tiger!
• PPPS Mavis, done well the arse revealing fandango, can make a celebration. If you had done that at my last dinner party it wouldn’t have been such a boring affair. Please come to my next do!

Write to me if it happens again and I’ll suggest further remedies. If anybody else has memories of their own or another's drunken episodes please let me know. Please contact me via the Comedy Moment website... Google me!