I made a drunken fool of myself - please help!

This week I’ve received a few letters from readers who have made drunken fools of themselves. I’ve picked my favourites but this advice is also for Bernard M of Turkeyhell, Norfolk and various former housemates of Big Brothers 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 – you know who you are.

Dear Wilma,

I like a drink and usually I have a great night out “on the pop”. Unfortunately, last week things got out of hand and I ended up making a fool of myself, insulting the hostess and her mother and dancing what I can only describe as a fandango. Unfortunately again, my fandango involved exposing my buttocks to all and sundry.

I think I have lost a good friend and I’m very embarrassed, what should I do?

PS I don’t want to give up drinking

Yours Mavis, Kettering

Dear Mrs Proops,

I can’t believe what I did last night – all because I had a drink. Why, oh why, did I think it would be funny to shave my private parts and, using my girlfriends makeup, create a “cock-character” who liked to talk to “the ladies”? I’m usually shy and retiring but someone introduced me to Baileys with an added shot of whisky and I think I had an adverse reaction. How do I say I’m sorry?

Herbert Winkleman, Ontario

WILMA ANSWERS:

Dear Mavis, Herbert, et al

To start with, please be assured, you are not alone with this problem. I too have exposed my arse but I did so in a far more public arena than you did – I did mine on top of David Blane’s Perspex box above the River Thames in London. Subsequently, images of my bare arse were plastered, front page, over the world’s press. I got over it and so will you.

Making a drunken fool of yourself is not a new problem. Indeed, I happen to know of a standard letter produced in China in the 5th century BC for such eventualities. Everyday, someone somewhere makes a drunken fool of themselves. Look on it as a right of passage.

As to offending your friends. True friends will understand that this episode was most unusual and will forgive you. You should however apologise profusely and promise not to ever do it again. This is the risk we take when we invite people over to get pissed at our gaffs, also known as having a party or a dinner party. If your friend is still hostile perhaps they weren’t good friends to start with – replace them. I myself would have enjoyed your fandango and the “cock-character” sounded quite fun too.

I'll be publishing a letter I use after just such drunken bouts of bad behaviour here soon - check back to get your copy

Until then - don't forget to drink plenty of water if you overdo it

Best wishes

Wilma Proops

• PS Unless this type of thing is happening frequently, don’t stop drinking. People have always got off their faces since time began – it’s a natural thing. Perhaps you should learn to curb your quantity or change your tipple rather than give up altogether 
• PPS If I were you Herbert, I’d not drink Baileys or any other whisky or whiskey drink again. Saying that, if you were reserved before, at least you know how to let yourself go now. Try to learn something positive from your experience . . . go Tiger!
• PPPS Mavis, done well the arse revealing fandango, can make a celebration. If you had done that at my last dinner party it wouldn’t have been such a boring affair. Please come to my next do!

Write to me if it happens again and I’ll suggest further remedies. If anybody else has memories of their own or another's drunken episodes please let me know. Please contact me via the Comedy Moment website... Google me!

I've gone off sex, what can I do?

HE’S GONE OFF SEX! WHAT SHOULD HE READ? Read Wilma's answer below!

Dear Mrs Proops,

I've gone off sex. No matter what I try I cannot be bothered. Obviously, it's no problem for me but my wife is threatening to leave me if I don't give her one soon. I don't like my wife (or any other woman) and I'm not attracted to men either. What should I do?

PS My wife did put Stiffen Up in my drink last week but, although I had an erection for six hours, I still didn't feel like it and the erection looked stupid when I went swimming at the local pool - so don't advise that course of action.

Yours sincerely
Malcolm, Saundersfoot

WILMA PROOPS REPLIES:


Dear Malcolm,

The thought of you and your erection at the swimming baths was hilarious. Thank you for sharing that with our readership. Let’s face it, problems like yours have mass appeal and I’m sure that most people reading this now are feeling a little embarrassed that I've rumbled them. I can't see your problem really – you don’t want sex so you don’t have sex; sorted! You should have my sexual problems! I’m more concerned for your wife, women seem to put up with a lot of crap from men.

Have you thought of joining a Holy Order? It seems to me that any Holy Order that forbids sexual relations would be ideal for you. Tell your wife that she can have sexual relations with anyone - if she isn't doing so already. Write to me and I'll send you a list of religious orders who are accepting applications and a copy of my leaflet "Can't See To Your Wife? Let Someone Else Do It For You”. The leaflet cost £50 but I’ll send you the list of religious orders for free.

Please feel free to write to me again about your sexual problems Malcolm

Yours truly,

Wilma Proops

Introducing Wilma Proops' Problem Page WPPP

A very distant relative of Majorie Proops, late, great Agony Aunt of The Daily Mirror (before all the Maxwell hoo-hah) - Wilma Proops hit the headlines recently when she declared:

"You've gorra laugh at ya problems" in her signature full Liverpudlian accent. She was at the time sitting knickerless (setting the fashion a couple of years before Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton) on top of David Blane's perspex box above the River Thames, London, England. Wilma was certain that the man (David Blane) was missing something essential from his life and far too proud to ask for her advice. She went there to show him what it was at considerable expense to herself.

"Showing David Blane (and by default the whole world) my naked arse was perhaps the biggest mistake of my life. Ironically, it caused my friends and family a severe loss of face and - as it was the result of drunkeness - I wouldn't have done such a thing were I sober - I was worried that the problems this episode would cause me were going to be too much to cope with. It wasn't until I received an offer of sponsorship from Griblock's Topiary Company, (County Durham), that I saw the funny side. I'm not one for the Brazilian look and I'm proud of my growth on what was once my private region. Griblock's sponsorship will sure act as a boom to all women everywhere who are naturally bushy. We are the nice bush whearas W is the nasty one - we should not be ashamed . . . hic, where was I?".

This blog has been designed to expand Wilma Proops' audience and welcomes problems that Wilma can use for laughter therapy. Wilma's column came into existence firstly on www.comedymoment.co.uk where other comedy stuff (mainly comedy monologues written for stage) is available for your delectation (if that is a word), entertainment if it is not (a word).

Very soon the full opera of Wilma's Problem Page will be taken from www.comedymoment.co.uk and placed here. From that date forward, new problems and Wilma's fun answers will be aired here.

PLEASE NOTE: Problems may be sent to Wilma via www.comedymoment.co.uk's contact page. Please keep in mind that Wilma will laugh at you and not with you. Do not submit problems if you are of a sensitive nature.