Mommy's Little Helpers or Why You Should Buy a Digital Breathalyser and Check Your Blood Alcohol Level
If only I had got my hands on one of these digital breathalysers in the past! One stashed in my handbag would have come in handy, I can tell you! Imagine, blowing into one and being told - in no uncertain terms - that "Wilma, you've had more than enough". I'm sure this digital message would have exacated me from hundreds of drunken episodes in my life.
The Bare Bum Scandal
If I had owned a digital breathalyser the night I tried to advise David Blane (or is it Blaine? I forget) that he was a stupid w****r when he was living in that Perspex box, hosited like a petard above the River Thames in London, I'm sure I would have postponed my climb and wouldn't have fallen, exposed my arse, its tattoo and allowed it to be featured on the front pages of the world's gutter press.
The Sausage Under the Table Sausage
If only I could have checked my alcohol levels I wouldn't have beed convinced to eat a sausage under the table at the W.A.N.C.S. award ceremony, or at least I wouldn't have mistaken that ****.
My Advice to You My Reader
If you cannot become an abstainer like me and never drink another drop (perhaps until Christmas) then get yourself a digital breathalyser and keep in in your handbag, glove compartment or somewhere handy, at all times