Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a nincompoop, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this article . . .
I was going on holiday but I needed to answer the letter below first. I had to miss my flight but no matter, as long as you, my devoted and dear readers, are happy, then so is Auntie Wima.
LETTER OF THE YEAR SO FAR!
A £1,000 Voucher goes to this reader from Catherine de Barnes, West Midlands
Date as Postmark
Dear Wilma Proops,
I work from home and have done so since September 2006. I much prefer working for myself but I’ve gradually fallen into bad ways.
I’ve stopped doing my housework and sometimes go three days without a wash. I do this so I can spend as much time as possible in front of my computer, making money. My journey to work, bed to desk, at around 8am takes 20 seconds. At about 11pm I retire to the sofa and at 3am I make the journey to my bedroom. I repeat this timetable anything up to three days in a row.
Apart from walking to my kitchen to make coffee (about 10 times a day) and going to the toilet (4-6 times daily) I don’t move much at all during these periods. I do sometimes go out – essential shopping, social and business meetings and when I do so I scrub up well – so I’m not a complete lost cause. Also, I’m making more money than I ever have done and building two excellent businesses and I don’t want to give them up. My bedroom looks like Tracey Emin’s bed. The rest of my home could have a feature on How Clean is Your Home?
What should I do? Please inspire me to get out of this rut.
Yours truly Simone,
Christchurch, New Zealand
Date as Postmark
WILMA'S REPLY to the Slob in Catherine-de-Barnes,
(near Solihull, West Midlands, UK)
Many times are true word spoken in jest. Pull yourself together immediately. I’m sorry love, but you need to go the extra mile. Simone dear, you must follow the list of instructions at the end of this letter as soon as you’ve finished reading. Why should you?
Because Simone dear, when you go out, you want to feel like you’re a magnificent bird emerging from an immaculate bower - not a little piece of shit temporarily breaking away from its mother-turd. When you flutter home to nestle you will do so refreshed and rejuvenated if you follow my plan. Stop docking like a crap-ladened cargo ship and start fluttering to land like a butterfly.
I’m working class so I don’t know about Art but I nevertheless feel that the point of Emin’s bed is its truly classical composition, filling a designated space, its contrasting textures and edited contents give viewers a truthful statement about self. There’s a lesson there for everyone I’m sure. Perhaps magnificence can be produced from mayhem. Emin certainly did/does from hers – taking all the crap, exorcising in public and plunging anyone who takes the time to ponder her stuff into places they need to know about or remember if they’re ever to rise phoenix-like and strengthened. She’s also minted.
Tracey Emin is a woman I admire greatly and, I offer to women everywhere as a role model. Not only is she business savvy and a battler after my own heart but when I had my problem with David Blaine, on top of his Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, she was the only one to offer me lodgings. Her guest room, may I say, was nothing at all like her Bed installation – the most luxurious guest facilities I’ve ever known. Were it not for the offer by George Michael to spend a few months at his Spanish villa, I feel I would be at Tracey’s still – she only wanted £22.50 per night (including continental breakfast, but alas, with obligatory prunes).
Which reminds me, dear readers, George has recently written to me for advice and I am going to publish his letter and my considered reply very soon. I had coffee with George after he recorded his Desert Island Discs. His letter to me was decided upon as a therapy there and then. He wishes to share his thoughts and dilemas and come out in an equally valuable way to you, my public. George could be such a role model to hash heads - if only he practiced moderation and stayed away from the GM (Genetically Modified) crap as distributed all over the show...
Since I have become a world famous Comedy Agony Aunt to the stars, many celebrities (including Tracey and several major soap actors) have started to use my 10 point plan. Their testimonials show that it works for them. I’ll publish them all one day in my autobiography – working title Bare Arse Exposure.
So Simone, join my celebrity followers and adopt my 10 point plan immediately - I've sent you a draft copy. Let me know, IF you follow my advice, about your results. Testimonials will be appreciated if I'm to sell it as an eBook.
For writing such an honest letter you have won a £1,000 gift voucher. If I were you I'd spend it on getting professional cleaners in!
Best wishes Simone and all my loyal readers,