Problem Cats

Dear Wilma Proops,


P-L-E-A-S-E HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEM CAT!!


I have a love/hate relationship with my cat. She's about 15 years old now and I saved her by stealing her off an awful woman who treated her very badly, about 12 years ago. I never wanted a cat. I'm more a dog person. Cats, in my opinion, are smelly and their hair - particularly if your's is a white cat and you wear a lot of black - is a problem. Despite this, do you think my bleedin' cat is grateful? Not on your nelly!


MY CAT'S AN INGRATE!


Even during the first months when the bloody thing was well fed and warm for the first time in its life it was an absolute ingrate. In fact, during the first few months my new cat was damned well violent to me and my young daughter. She'd attack us on the stairs and once even scratched my daughter's ear so badly that we needed to go to Accident & Emergency. Since then she has killed all my house-plants by shitting in them and, try as I might, I can't keep her out of the airing cupboard (her prefered place of rest) so all my laundry is covered cat's hair. Of course, just one cat hair sparks an asthma attack in my boyfriend so we've had to agree to separate as last time he almost died. 


GREEDY PIG CAT


On top of every thing else my cat is the greediest cat I've ever known. She constantly begs for food. If I get up in the night to go to the toilet, she assumes I've got up to prepare her another meal. I had no intention of ever feeding her at such times but she causes such a commotion for the remainder of the night that I've started to do just that.


CAT VOMIT AN EFFECTIVE WEAPON


You'd think things couldn't get any worse but you'd be wrong. My cat now uses her vomit as a weapon against me. She employs two tactics and two types of sick. The first is water sick. If she requests food by meowing in the most annoying manner you can imagine and I don't feed her immediately, she'll eat leaves off my plants. Within a minute of doing so this snack induces a water sick. The second is Felix sick. I used to feed her Felix sachets and she was satisfied with them. Then, a few months ago, my Mother bought her Sheba cat food - seafood variety. The latter includes a prawn and plaice turine that you might expect served at Zilly Fish it looks so delecious. Now, if I dare feed her anything less, she'll wolf it down and wait until I'm on the phone. (I work from home and have to make quite high-pressurised sales calls). Like I say, she waits until I'm on the phone and then - after load and unpleasant wretching - she spews with such force that I have an involuntary hurl myself if I'm not careful. Cleaning up this type of sick is very unpleasant.


Please help me Wilma, I don't know what to do, I'm at the end of my tether . . . 


Yours
Claire Rainer Junior
Ashby de la Zuche




WILMA'S REPLY


Dear Claire,


I'm not The Cat Whisperer. I'd make a fortune if I was. The fact is, cats cannot be whispered, they are never submissive unless they want to be. I feel I have much in common with cats. 


You're doing everything you can. Continue feeding on demand and buying only premium cat food.


I'm off on holiday where I'll spend part of every day feeding the strays and giving the English a bad name. Have you noticed how fat the cats are in the local of all inclusive hotels?


Keep up the good work!


Wilma Proops