14th February 2007
I am unable to consummate sexual relations with my current girlfriend – I fancy her like hell and always manage to get a full erection during foreplay but every time I’m about to take the plunge I hear the words an ex once said when she first clapped eyes on my penis. She said “yum, that looks like the rrrrrrrrreal Maccoy”, rolled her Rs and I shrivelled instantly. No matter what I do, I hear her every bloody time. My current girlfriend is away on business for the next three weeks but she said when she gets back I’d better be able to “do it”, “or else”, “she’ll get a real man”. Please help me by providing the solution to my problem before she gets back or I’m sure she’ll pack me in.
Please help me Wilma
19th March 2007
Dear Mrs Proops,
I am writing to you as a last resort as no other Agony Aunt has been able to help me.
I had my first sexual experience in the back of my mate’s car when I was 22. I’d been after a bit since I was at least 17 so you can imagine I was in a hurry. To be frank, I was more interested in her downstairs department than that upstairs so after snogging for a minute I decided to put my free hand in her knickers. All seemed to be going well.
However, even before I had my fingers over the threshold of her knicker’s elastic she removed my hand firmly and uttered the words
“tits first please, if you don’t mind”.
I did as she instructed and managed to get the first notch on my post but later when I was discussing her with my friends and I repeated what she said it struck me as funny. In fact it struck me as the funniest thing I ever heard and I still haven’t heard anything funnier (even though I have watched every episode of Father Ted and The Office).
Now, I remember “tits first please if you don’t mind” at least once a day and always find myself rolling around on the carpet. Of course, if I ever get to first base with a woman I remember it then too. I’ve dated twenty-seven women in the past six years but none of them have been able to see the funny side when I laugh just at the moment sex seems inevitable.
They think I'm laughing at them and not the memory of my firsy and only full sex experience when that woman in the back of my mate's car said:
“tits first, if you don’t mind”.
I am desperate to find out how to overcome this problem. Please let me know as soon as possible if you can help as I am desperate for my second notch.
PLEASE HELP ME
18th April 2007
Dear Wilma Proops,
I enjoyed a good sex life until I was 32. I was then in a long term relationship with plans to marry. My partner was everything a man could want apart from she didn’t enjoy sex that much.
I wasn’t deterred by this as she explained it wasn’t just me and I enjoyed the fact that it was against her will as given the choice she would always prefer to watch television. I prided myself on the longevity of my sexual intercourse with her – I could keep going for up to two hours and all she was required to do was go “ooh” or “ahh” at my thrust’s deepest point.
My system worked very well for six months and another two after we were married. I was way over the national average for times per week – averaging I would guess 5-6 per week.
Yes, I knew she was completely bored with our sex life but I could have lived with that. Then one night after she had been saying “ooh” or “ahh” for only half an hour she said
“have you slimed yet?”, instead of "ooh, ahh"
“Slimed!” She referred to my ejaculation as a “slime”! I instantly lost wood and ever since then I can’t get it back. I’m 38 now and this happened six, almost seven years ago. I’ve been told by many experts that if it goes to seven years I’ll never be able to get it up again. Although my wife is more than happy with our situation I feel there is something missing from my life and I can’t go on like this.
Please help me!
WILMA REPLIESDear Ivor, Darren and Dwain,
1st November 2008
1st November 2008