Wilma solves this client's problem:
9th April 2010
Dear Mrs Proops
It was suggested that I contact you for some financial advice. I've spoken to a couple of Financial Advisers but found, quite frankly, that they were smarmy wankers who'd probably sell their grand-mothers for a quid. I've £50,000 to invest and someone suggested FOREX - whatever that is, what would you suggest Wilma?
Name and Adrress withheld for National Security Reasons
May 2nd 2009
Dear Mr P,
You seem a good judge of character as, in my experience, most Financial Advisers are smarmy wankers who would indeed sell their grannies. The only thing we disagree about is the amount they'd sell them for - I'd suggest a penny would be enough to seal the deal with them!
Before I offer my advice on how I'd invest your money, let me tell you a story about FOREX... or more precisely, my mistake with FOREX – so you...
Don’t You Make the Same Mistake as
The Events Leading up to My FOREX Mistake…
As you probably know Shirley, I’m just an average woman but I suppose, if I have to admit it, men like giving me money more than they do the average woman. For instance Burt Pillock (not his real name) gave me £50,000 once so I wouldn’t finish with him.
I took the money, more for his own good than anything else (I'm not a selfish woman). If I'd not taken it he’d have only spent it on his stupid children who, in my opinion, had more than they could ever need. I was always urging him to cut the strings and make his children stand on their own two feet but BP would never take my advice.
After I’d accepted the money and his cheque had cleared into my offshore account, BP still refused to take my advice. I wanted him to sign over his nice little apartment in Tenerife to my oldest daughter – she deserved a break – unlike that snooty little madam (BP’s eldest daughter) who really needed the lesson which many snooty sons and daughters of the landed gentry need – but Burt refused. He did offer to buy my daughter a similar apartment in Tenerife, indeed I allowed the purchase to go through and the deeds to be lodged with my Swiss Bank – but I found the compromise annoying. I am an accomplished Agony Aunt - to the Stars - and I did not appreciate him not acting on my advice.
I therefore decided I would finish with BP and moved out all my belongings, including the bespoke kitchen and bathroom fixtures and fittings because - morally - they were mine. After all, who had chosen the marble and slate finishes, found the tile maker in Tuscany, sourced the interior designer and the old pine kitchen cupboards? Precisely! Anyway, I knew BP wouldn’t mind as I had video footage and pictures of him that would destroy his credibility on Wall Street and anywhere else for that matter. As I said, what really angered me was that Burt never took all of my advice and on more than two occasions had actually had the temerity not to do exactly what I told him.
Pillock! How dare he? He needed this valuable lesson taught him. Yes, it might be acceptable to some women, but not Wilma Proops. Remember, I am the ONLY Comedy Problem Page owner in the world. It was a professional insult for BP not to follow my instructions to the letter. Anyway, with Burt out of the way I decided that I’d either put the £50k on a horse or look into FOREX. I decided on the latter. I based my decision on the flip of the coin. I suppose being in this position is hard for most to comprehend. I’m not saying that I couldn’t have spent the money on something better – it would have paid for a brilliant holiday for me and my daughter – but really I couldn’t have cared less. You see, I don’t actually need money, correction any more money. I’ve accounts bursting, trickling up to higher interest rates, I own my own properties, I never pick up any bills – just pass them on to the relevant man in my life – eg Brian pays my credit cards, Trevor pays my staff, Gilbert my utility bills and Nigel (bless) has a chain of exclusive boutiques I can raid. I particularly like the one in Seges, south of Barcelona. But I digress:
Things I discovered about Forex. I’d always thought it was a weed killer and was surprised to find it stood for Foreign Exchange. Then I learnt, it wasn’t any old foreign exchange, it was currency. FOREX then, is the dealing in foreign currencies. I grasped the idea immediately. Basically, at the end of the day, what you do is buy currencies that you guess will increase in value and exchange them for other currencies you think will increase in value. Trick is I was told by Dan (since dumped, one of those smarmy wankers we mentioned above) to exchange at a peak into something that was just coming out of a troff. Equipped with this information I put the lot into the currency of Zimbabwe. A long shot I realised, but (admit it), like the gee-gees (the 'orses) they are more exciting! To cut a long story short, my £50k was turned into 50p overnight. Quite funny really.
What Would I do if I Were You With £50,000 to Invest?
Shirley, you're a woman fast approaching your fiftieth birthday, and you have two children who you've brought up well. I've done my research and your daughters are a credit to you. Both have huge potential. What I'd do is put the lot into a pension policy for you - but not one of those the smarmy Financial Advisers recommended - they only recommended those because they get 30% commission.
WILMA PROOPS' RECOMMENDED PENSION POLICY
Our children are our pension policies. Give them £20,000 each with various conditions. You'll get it back tenfold - in cash and kind. Compare that to the .05% I got from Scottish Widows for a 10 year with profits saving scheme. (I fell for that one hook line and sinker - don't you - remember you won't get a bung when they float - I did!). Give your daughters the opportunity to set themselves up, buy property - when it goes down another 15% of course or start up their own business. The other £10k - help some poor unsuspecting young woman out with a gift of £8k - one without a caring Mother. When you do, don't brag about it as that is very vulgar and not the reason for doing it. The other £2k will pay for a long winter break in Crete - you know you love it there and who knows, you might get lucky!
Please Note: The contents of this article are entirely original and will be published nowhere else. ANY INFRINGEMENT of Wilma Proops' Copyright will be prosecuted. If you see any of Wilma's text reproduced on any grasping, rip off FOREX dealer sites or publications please inform Wilma immediately and she'll have "them sorted".